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Del does this after every math exam. true story.

Del does this after every math exam. true story.

I’m worried sick about you and the future.

What will we do? When will I see you? Is your family gonna convince you never to come visit, or to move? Did you hit your head? You could have a concussion or worse. I miss you so much. You can’t wake me up in the middle of the night and tell me you’re not coming because you totaled your car and only be able to talk for five minutes. I want to tell you how much I love you and that I can’t live without you and I’m so glad God has kept you safe and in one piece. But I’m afraid of the future and I’m afraid for you and what your mom might say and I can’t feel better until we talk. I can’t go back to sleep and I don’t know how many hours it will be until I get to talk to you again. I miss you so much and I’m so worried. :(

Who I am hates who ive been.

I can’t change time. Im sorry you were drug along in my trip of getting back to myself. Im truly sorry for the pain you had to feel as you sat on the sideline waiting for your chance to play. I hate thinking back on our past, and seeing how you were treated by whoever I was then. I always talk about how much I would hurt someone who done those things to you, but I was one of them. I want you to know that there is not a single cell in my body that is like him. For the first time in a very long time, I am free. I am free of judgement. Free of the fear of pleasing people. I am me, and its all because of you. You have unintentionally brought me back to myself. You didnt change me directly, but just being with you and having your constant patience and support has brought me back from whatever black hole I was in. You have always been my cheerleader, and my biggest fan. You have pulled me through everything, and been everything from my shoulder to cry on, to make greatest motivator. I cannot envision life without you. I cannot see my life without you being beside me, walking through life, fingers intertwined. I thank you for never giving up on me. Youll never know how much that means to me. Im always gonna be your’s. You have my heart, and nobody deserves it more than you, Mrs. Kidwell.

I am trying to focus on writing an essay for career opportunities and specializations in professional nursing and I can’t because Pandora presented The Antlers in a live version concert and I can’t handle the flashbacks of Columbus. I can hear his beautiful renditions of these songs that are somehow better than the originals and each phrase of music is unexpected and absolutely incredible and all I can picture is you holding me in the midst of that sweaty, all-too-happy crowd of people, tapping out the rhythm of the music on my hips. All I can remember is the feeling of euphoria that came with that night and I can’t keep from closing my eyes to relive it. The sound of the trumpets blaring through my eardrums, and Peter SIlberman’s falsetto giving way to his powerful vibrato and the feeling of my entire being shaking with amazement and excitement at being there, with you.

And I’m thinking of the feelings that rushed through me as Hospice was played and how I traveled back to all the emotions I felt first listening to that album. It wasn’t just listening to my favorite songs, albums, or my favorite band. It was reliving countless experiences with heavy emotions that I have never felt coming from any other art in my life. It was the anticipation and incredulity of everything I never thought I would get to experience. Being at that concert, right in front of PETER SILBERMAN with the love of my life, who I never thought I would even touch. You gave me so many things I never thought I would experience and I will treasure them for the rest of my life. I can’t explain the feelings I get when I remember that night. This concert is making me relive every part of it and I almost can’t believe it.

You took me to an amazing city with beautiful buildings and crazy people. We walked the streets of Columbus and saw The Antlers walking right by us; across the street from us! We saw them in the best performance anyone could ever give and it gave me emotions that I cannot put into words no matter how hard I try. I met Peter Silberman and we stayed at the most beautiful hotel I have ever seen. We had the best full-circle moment any couple could ever hope to have. It was unbelievable.

You have given me everything I have ever dreamed of, and never thought I would have. You have given me memories I will never be able to forget. Emotions I will never be able to un-feel. And I am so, so incredibly thankful for that. You don’t realize how incredible you are for that. For everything you do. So thank you.

Im sorry.

Im sorry I frustrated you this morning. I didnt mean to. I just miss you more than words can say. I miss having you in my arms, kissing me whenever I want them and being by my side all the time. This is getting harder and harder the closer we get to moving day. I want it to be here already. I hate not seeing your beautiful smile, or watching movies with you. Im not going anywhere, im still right here. Im just impatient, and it bled into our conversation. Im sorry. I dont have any doubts or second thoughts, I just want to be with you forever already. I hope you are having a great day at school, and ill talk to you this evening. You’re my everything baby. I cannot live without you. Forgive me for being stupid this morning. I love you.

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